I can't believe the way this turned. I think somehow I've totally and completely fallen for you. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I know it's going to go no where, because maybe I was what you wanted then, but I'm definitely something else now. Please, just see it. That's all I want, is one chance. I know I don't measure up, and I know that it would be all wrong for both of us, but I'm not sure I care. You intimidate and excite me at the same time, and I love that. I just wish that this could go anywhere, because I would be so happy, and I wouldn't care about anything else.
I'm sorry for everything, please, just one chance.

So undesirable. Always.

So what it really boils down to is that I'm always left behind in the dark, unwanted. And nobody seems to care.

I stepped outside when it caught my eye, the light shining like I'd never seen it before. I closed the door behind me, stepping for what I realized to be the first time on the newly sodded grass, the cushioned feel unfamiliar underneath my feet. The night was uncharacteristic, hot and dry and perfectly still, the air weighing more than usual as it settled around my body. Awe. I stared out across the shadows of plants. The moon, though only a crescent, was shining brighter than I had ever seen in my entire life. Its intense brightness muted the dappling of stars across the silky purple of the night sky. Deep below, shining up from the black ocean was a silvery white reflection, still yet reaching forever to me and to everything. It was as if the moons light had reached down and stroked the ocean lovingly, leaving a beautiful shining white where its caress had touched. I wanted to be caressed by the light. I wanted to shed everything artificial, my clothes, my name, my identity, become nothing man made, and become that which is in encompassed in everything. I realized that I wanted no one beside me, no one to share the experience because no one would feel as I felt, no one would understand as my hands began to shake and sobs built up in my chest. Becoming one. Allowing the light to cover every inch of me and take everything I know and throw it away, plunk each artificial feeling and thought away and let me become the reflection on the ocean. I know, nothing would be the same when the light left and to stay and watch it leave would be acceptance of everything and nothing. Everything and nothing holding light holding me.

I'm so sick of sap and romanticism. One day, you will all have to listen to me gush for hours on end. Count on it.

Well, today was pretty nice. School was horribly long, but Inkblot was super super fun. I'm really excited about it. And then after school I went to the gypsy den with Syd, Alex and Crystal, who was visiting. So we had been there for about an hour, when Anna Baker, who I haven't talked to in quite some time, came over, sat down to me, and said "Hey Carlen. Jeez, you're so cool, and you don't even try," or something in that jist. It was really nice. She's such a sweetheart, and super easy to talk to. I swear, totally my type, if only! Hahaha. Oh and I'm so terrible at taking compliments that I instantly asked if she was stoned. It was pretty funny, but she wasn't after all. So, we chilled and had a lovely time conversing and reminiscing with me, Syd, Alex, Crystal, Anna and Maggie. It was so much fun, I wish I hung out with Anna and Maggie more often. They're so sweet, and for whatever reason, they seem to like me a lot. Anyways, this was a really lovely day, so I figured I'd chronicle it. Out!

I am an island.
I am an island.
I am an island.
I am an island.

It's official! The movie industry has something against me! First, they postponed HP, now Watchmen probably! The two upcoming movies I was most excited for! I'm so angry!

I've decided that I want to start a book club. I think, in their truest form, they are beautiful social advantages, and honestly something that appeals to me so much. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to wait to find people who share my sentiments!

I just finally watched Dead Poets Society. One of the most beautiful, most touching movies I have ever seen.

I am never going to be that girl who everyone wants to be with. I'm afraid that even those I love don't want to be with me.
I would love more than anything to be a successful writer. But no one wants to read what I write. I put it out there for anyone to see, but no one seems to notice the words I so carefully constructed, the words I need to hear opinions on, compliments, criticisms, anything that shows care for what I love to do so much. I feel like I was born for this. When I was little, I would narrate my life from day to day as though I were already writing the novel of my life; my life story at 6 years old. I need to have this. But no one believes enough in me.

So, I had this dream last night. About this girl.
In my dream, I had just woken up, and she had just shown up at my house. I was standing outside the door to my room. When she saw me, she called out my name, so excited, and ran over to me. We kissed. It was sincerely lovely, but I realized that I had my retainers in. So I went to take them out, then came back over to her. We kissed again. Then, the dream flashed-forward, and we were in my bed, and she had her shirt off, and it all just worked perfectly. And after that, I woke up.
It was one of the more lucid dreams that I've ever had. It wasn't the sort in which things look different, but you know what they are. Everything looked exactly as it did in real life. It was so convincing. When I woke up, I was pretty upset, I didn't want it to end.
It was just the nicest feeling, even though it wasn't real. If only I could get her, maybe it could be like that, at least a little. But I don't even know if she likes girls. Even if she does, what on earth could she ever see in me? I'm a mess. This seems so doomed. But I want so badly for it to work out. I want to feel that nice, in real life.

So, watching too many Will & Grace reruns has made me severely want a gay best friend. Someday...I swear.

I have one just below my left knee, to the side, about the size of a pencil eraser. It used to seriously bother me. I was always so embarrassed about it, that I would sometimes refuse to show my knees in public. Now, I don't really care. It's a part of me, I guess, it's unique.
My grandpa has a huge birthmark, all over his arm and down his side. It's splotchy and red, and looks like a serious burn injury. It's interesting, really. A conversation starter.

I'm finally starting to realize now that I was never a friend to you. I was a diary.
I know this is 3 years too late to make a difference. But at least I understand now.
You changed so many things for me. I might not be the person I am now if it weren't for you.










I still miss you. So much.

So, in the past 28 or so hours, I have gotten about an hour and 45 minutes worth of sleep. This is so odd to me. After having cut my bangs at around 11.30, I watched tv until around 3, then I retired to my room, and I was reading, and suddenly it was 6am, then 7am, then 10am, and I wasn't even the slightest bit tired, so obviously then it just wasn't worth going to sleep at all. So, I took a shower, and went downstairs, and at around 1, I got quite tired and took a nap on my still wet hair, which meant that, when I woke up at 2.45, my new bangs had dried in an odd flippy sort of a way. And, I realized, that I was, yet again, not even the slightest bit tired. This is so very strange. I'm not the type of gal who can usually run on 2 hours of sleep! I expect that at some point tonight, I'll totally pass out, and sleep for some ungodly number of hours.
That's all for now. Happy early fourth of July.

I have to get fucking mouth surgery. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

Summer is so ridiculous. I get into the worst sleep habits possible. I stay up until around 3 or 4 in the morning, and then wake up at about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. My brother was researching insomnia earlier today, and he came across Sleep Onset Insomnia, otherwise known as Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. The definition is as follows:

"A disorder in which the major sleep episode is delayed in relation to the desired clock time that results in symptoms of sleep onset insomnia or difficulty in awakening at the desired time."

I like it. It fits nicely. I like being able to diagnose myself. It makes things feel nice, wrapped up in a neat little package so to speak.

That's really all for now. So long, livejournal.
As if anyone reads this.

Note To Self:
Stop being a fucking paranoid asshole biatch.

It's not accomplishing anything.
Thank you.

I'm so happy to like someone now. And she's so cute.
I haven't had any particular feelings for anyone for a while. And so I feel great! It's good to know that my heart does still work.
She's an amazing writer. And she's shy. And she's not overly cool.
I've talked to her a fair amount. And while we're not super buddies yet, I feel oddly optimistic.
If nothing else we can become friends.
But I really can see it as more than that.
Maybe I should be more careful with my heart right now.
But I don't care!
I feel fantastic!